Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

A sweet lady I work with sent me this devotional today:

"The process of discovering, processing, purifying, and shaping gold is

a lengthy, painstaking process. Affliction is gold in the making for

the child of God, and God is the one who determines how long the

process takes. He alone is the Refiner.

All whom God uses greatly are first hidden in the secret of

His presence, away from the pride of man. It is there our vision

clears. It is there the silt drops from the current of our life and our

faith begins to grasp His arm. Abraham waited for the birth of Isaac.

Moses didn't lead the Exodus until he was eighty. Elijah waited beside

the brook. Noah waited 120 years for rain. Paul was hidden away for

three years in Arabia. The list doesn't end. God is working while His

people are waiting, waiting, waiting."

I know that God is working elsewhere while I wait; he's just getting things ready. And while I wait for him to reveal his plan for the next stage of my life, there are plenty of things that he is working out in me. He's refining my body, mind, and spirit right now. It's definitely a battle, a fight, all day long. I heard a quote the other day that is helping me to stay in the secret of his presence during this time:

"When you wake up and are struggling to want to get up and read the Word and meet with Jesus....remember that the King of the Universe has something to say to you for only this day. If you don't get up and meet with him, you might miss it! And you really don't want to miss it."

All of that to say, yes, I'm waiting right now. But the waiting is not in vain, nor is it purposeless. Is it hard? Oh my goodness, yes! There are days I can barely contain myself with the restlessness in my spirit. Then there are days full of joy and peace. 

Here is the song that is carrying me through today:

   1. ’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

      Just to take Him at His Word;

      Just to rest upon His promise,

      And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”

        

 * Refrain:

            Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!

            How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;

            Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!

            Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

   2. Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,

      Just to trust His cleansing blood;

      And in simple faith to plunge me

      ’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!

   3. Yes, ’tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

      Just from sin and self to cease;

      Just from Jesus simply taking

      Life and rest, and joy and peace.

   4. I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,

      Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;

      And I know that Thou art with me,

      Wilt be with me to the end.

The Lifting

It is hard to find words to describe the past 4 months other than... 

God is good and God is sovereign. 

He has lifted me out of the miry clay and set my feet on a rock.

He has connected me with a small community of Jesus-followers who are truly after his heart.

He has helped me see my sin and be disgusted by it.

He has given me a hunger and a thirst for righteousness.

He has met me in the secret place and proven that he is more pleasurable, exciting, adventurous, and entertaining than anything on this earth.

He’s provided support and accountability for the weak areas of my life.

He has renewed my passion for His name and his bride.

He has given me vision and purpose again.

He has re-sealed my identity and confirmed the gifts he’s given me to use for his glory.

He’s given me a place to use my gifts to bless others.

He has made my heart content.

ALL of these things He has done.

Praise the Lord, who is mighty to save!

Reflections from the road

I think one of the best times for learning lessons is on your bike. After an hour of riding tonight, it started getting dark and cold. Dressed for warmer weather, my fingers and knees quickly became numb and started to burn. Knowing that I didn't have a front light on my bike, I started to push myself to get home as quick as possible. My eyes watered, and yes, I blew quite a few snot rockets. I tell you what, snot rockets are an art and if you don't get it right, well, you get the picture.

Eventually I came to the last two hills. My legs were burning at this point and my breathing was short and fast. I wasn't happy. 

It was then that I had an epiphany. 

I have not truly enjoyed my runs or rides for the past few weeks. Wondering why the things I love so much had become so dreadful, I realized something. Whenever I finish a run or a ride I am instantly thinking of how I can do it better next time. I never feel that sense of accomplishment because there is always another goal to reach, a faster pace to run, a longer ride to pedal. Unfortunately, I've become so focused on gaining speed and strength that I have forgotten to enjoy. I beat myself up by saying, "You could have done that better. If only you would/wouldn't...". And so, I am never good enough. The goals I make are never ending and quite honestly, impossible to accomplish in the amount of time I desire to accomplish them in.

ENJOY.

When I think about that word, I smile. There are a lot of things I enjoy. Ice cream, sleeping, a lovely sunset, my closest friends, a new pair of tennis shoes, an empty inbox at work, and laughter. However, I've somehow seemed to lost the art of enjoying, or as I like to put it, delighting in, my runs and rides. And honestly, that just takes all the fun out of it!

So with a numb body, burning legs, gasping lungs, and a longing to be home before dark, I looked up.

Wow! I saw before me the most gorgeous silhouette of pine trees against a bright blue sky that faded into pink then a light shade of purple. With the chilly wind in my face, I laughed out loud and...you guessed it...enjoyed!!!

God, I don't ever want to take for granted the moments in the day you have given me that can be enjoyed. Help me to delight in the small and the big, the comfortable and the challenging, the fun and the routine. You reminded me tonight that the reason you've given me a love for running and biking is because I love being out in your creation! Help me never lose sight of the beauty before me. I want to surrender my goals and my dissatisfied heart to praise you over what you have helped me accomplish. A 3 mile run with huge hills? YES! A 14 mile bike ride in the freezing cold? YES! All glory be to you! I don't ever want to sell you short of what you've allowed my body to succeed in by focusing on what I cannot accomplish quite yet. Help me give you praise for the small goals reached and lean on you to move forward. I love you. Thank you for helping me enjoy tonight!

I want to go on an adventure....

I recently stumbled upon a video about a guy that I knew from Tyler way back in the day. He applied to be the "Island Caretaker" at the Great Barrier Reef in Australia. This competition was called "The Best Job in the World" and tons of young, adventuresome, and passionate adults sent in their videos explaining why they were the perfect fit for the job. After spending about 30 minutes watching these awe-inspiring videos, I realized something. I crave adventure. I long for it. I need it. I miss it.

Yes, it's true. My weekly bike rides, walks, picture-taking excursions, and disc golf games satisfy my sense of adventure to a point. And the occasional trips to the mountains for hiking, rock climbing, and camping are thrilling. But come-on, that is nothing compared to living in Australia giving tours of the Great Barrier Reef!!!

So I'm sitting here, in my comfortable little bed with all my needs so easily provided, thinking about my desk job (which I love and am truly grateful for!) and wondering......

What if I went on an adventure? Like a REAL adventure? One in which plans are optional and you have to trust the Lord to provide for your basic needs. An adventure that would change you, grow you, and leave you jaw dropped.

What would it take for me to do something like that? Where would I even begin? I feel like I'm just "playing it safe" here. There is no risk in anything I do right now. Nothing that tests me, tries me, or asks me to rely on God alone. I can pay all my bills with full assurance, know what my next ten meals will be, have friends and family who love me, and have a schedule that barely allows for change. Hmmm....that seems quite comfortable and mediocre to me.

But where is the line between adventure and responsibility drawn? I mean, I need to pay my bills and eat, right? So how much control do I give up? When is my sense for adventure just a stupid idea instead of truly trusting God to provide?

Something to think on.....

And until then, I will wake up at 6am, shower, dress, eat, drive to work, sit at my desk for 4 hours, type emails, answer the phone, write a few updates, organize, call for quotes for a commercial during the Super Bowl, add names to an excel list, eat some lunch, do all of that for another 4 hours, get off work, go for a run, shove more food down, shower again, run to a presentation about Israel, chat for a while with friends, come home, read, talk to my family, do my Bible study, and go to bed.....

ALL to the GLORY of GOD.

And I think that is my adventure for the time being.

Lord, help me accept the season of life you have me in right now. I feel safe, comfortable, and bored. But I know that you have placed me in the job, the home, the community that you desire. Give me the faith to believe you know what you are doing! Help my unbelief! Show me how life with you is the greatest adventure known to man! Help me be faithful in the small things so that I can eventually be faithful in the big things. Let my mind and my heart be here, now, fully present, fully surrendered, and content. Happiness is a choice not a circumstance. Show me how to discover you daily and gain joy and freedom from the small things! Open my eyes to see your beauty, adventure, and awesomeness right around me. Do not squelch the fire in my bones to GO, to EXPLORE, to DISCOVER. But put them in the proper place until you want them to run free! Please lead me to the best adventure for my life....living for your GLORY alone!

Been a While

Well, it's been a while since I've written anything. And believe me, there is a lot to write. God has been active and loud in my life these past few weeks. However, I'm sure I haven't been listening as well as I have needed to.

Do you ever feel so overwhelmed with all that needs to get done in a day? And for some reason spending time with God is the first to go, even though I am well aware of the fact that it is the absolute most important aspect of my day. Satan knows what he's doing, hu?

But I don't want to give Satan credit. He's a liar, deceiver, untrustworthy, and selfish. He wants all the attention. So instead of talking about how Satan has tricked me into believing a few things this week, I'm going to talk about how God has reminded me of the truth! I want God's name to be lifted higher, and higher, and higher.

I am frustrated that I cannot get myself out of bed in the morning. My charming little alarm clock goes off at 6am every morning, and I press the off button every morning, only to continue hitting the off button for the next three alarms that go off after the initial one. Then I jolt from bed, throw in my contacts, brush my teeth, grab cereal on the way out the door, and drag into work feeling frazzled, frustrated, and disappointed. I feel powerless to rise and shine.

After a full day of draining work, I am feeling tired, emotional, and dry. I need time with Jesus so badly. So I plan to have a quiet evening at home only to discover that every night this week is booked solid with activities, events, and errands.  Not only that, but if I do get a night at home, I make poor decisions and end up watching tv or doing who-know's-what and wasting the entire evening on pointless, life-sucking distractions.  I feel powerless and defeated.

It seems like my nights and mornings have been taken captive by the master of distraction. Yes, I need sleep. Yes, I need time to socialize or veg out. But honestly, I'm totally drained and feel like my life is a mess right now. All I want is to have the strength to get up early, take a run, sip some tea, and read my Bible. All I want is the ability to say no to draining activities like television and facebook and get some real rest with my King. Why am I in this sick cycle? How do I get out!!!

So this is my prayer tonight....as I leave you to go read my Bible and get some sleep.....

Jesus, please wake me up tomorrow. It is not a selfish desire, I want to spend time with you. But I feel powerless to get my body to move in the mornings. I'm disappointed in myself, but want to accept your grace and move forward. Help me to forgive myself, let go of past failures, and start anew. I want my mornings and evenings to be yours again. In your name, Jesus, will you reclaim my time and my efforts. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of being busy all the time. I'm tired of being distracted by this world all the time. I need you desperately. I cannot even make the choice to choose you over this world without you giving me the strength to make that decision. I want to grow in my desire for you, fall in love with you more, until the things of this world mean nothing to me. Jesus, the first thing is this....wake me up in the morning to spend time with you. I long for it. I love you. Amen.

Promises

God,

I’m overwhelmed right now. I’ve got boxes upon boxes and more coming tomorrow to price and sort. Then there are custom t-shirt orders, the web store, and the entire problem inventory to work through.

On top of that, I’m spiritually, emotionally, and physically exhausted.

I haven't had time to process anything that's happened in the past week emotionally. I did not get a weekend because of work. My faith is a big blur in my head and I don’t have anything to cling to. I feel like I’m dangling over a ledge and not sure what to grab onto. Nothing is secure. I’m on the verge of crying every moment. I don’t know if I love you or hate you. I don’t know if I should focus on becoming more patient, loving, servant hearted, or what. I feel like there are too many aspects of my heart that needs to be rebuilt and I don’t know where to place my focus. There are too many topics that need to be studied and understood and I don’t know where to begin.

I don’t know what to fight for and what to surrender. I don’t know what’s too far and what’s not enough. I don’t know what to stand up for and what to let go. I’m a mess.

So I just sit, too overwhelmed to get anything started. I place all my focus on work and I’m stressed out.

I feel like I need an entire week to just sit and be with you. But I don’t have the time or the energy.

I have laundry to get done, bills to be paid, people to call and get caught up with, work to be done, boxes to unload and price and sort, orders to fill, phone calls and emails to return. That’s not even my personal life.

Then there are friendships to maintain, my family to spend time with, time to relax, shower, and work out.

There is not enough time to sit and pray and read.

God, what do you want me to focus on? I don’t have enough time for work, friends, family, and self. I cannot sleep, workout, and keep myself healthy while hanging out all the time. Do you want me to build relationships or focus on myself? Do you want me home or out? Do you want me to work overtime to get things done? Do you want me to read or to pray or to walk or to write or to sing?



All I want to do is sleep. And cry. I’m so tired.



Give me strength. Give me rest. Give me peace.


"When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." (Psalm 94:18-19)


"My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." (Exodus 33:14)

"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." (Psalm 119:50)

You said it. I believe it. You’re promises remain.

Shake Everything That Can Be Shaken

This past Sunday was a memorial Easter for me. Not for the reasons you may think. In fact, I was not rejoicing that Jesus had defeated the grave or that I now have the gift of salvation. I was not thanking him for the pain he endured to give me life. I was not singing songs about death and resurrection with a joyful and grateful heart. I did not sing at all.

About thirty  minutes into the service, I could not hold it in any longer. So, in my bright pink silky dress and tall black heels, I sat on the edge of the curb in the parking lot, and wept.

In the past six months a lot of things have happened that have made me question what I believe. Don't get me wrong, my relationship with God is still strong and growing. But what I thought I knew about God, the church, and the Bible has all the sudden been challenged. I won't get into the details of why these things have been challenged, but it's enough to say that I was left scared, insecure, confused, and weary.

After a reassuring conversation with a dear friend from college, I realized what's been happening and why it's so frightening.

^"At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, "Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens." The words "once more" indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain."  Hebrews 12:26-27

Jesus is shaking everything that can be shaken.
 
I've been clinging onto religion more than onto Jesus. I've been obeying rules but having no mercy. I've been so black and white and legalistic. And all the sudden those worldly things are being stripped away and I'm not sure what's left.

So I am now on a new journey to discover what is left when everything is shaken.

And how do you completely discard your theology and rebuild it to be stronger, purer, and more biblically sound?

God is emptying me of all I have believed my whole life. And right now I'm a blank slate, empty, and vulnerable. But soon he will begin to rebuild, refill, and strengthen. It is a scary place to be. It seems that there is nothing to hold onto. But that's the point. Jesus wants to take all the religion, rituals, and rules away so that all I have left to cling to is him.

A wise friend told me last night......"When you want build your faith, pray and read the Word. It's that simple. The spirit will teach you and guide you to the truth if you just pray and read." 

I'm willing to go through a season of having to say "I don't know what I believe about that yet" and being humbled in my lack of understanding in order to gain more freedom, knowledge, and love for Jesus. I want to know that I know that I know what I believe and why. I want to have confidence in those things again. The only way that happens is if my theology is built on Jesus' words.

And so now I am focusing on Jesus' words. I'm starting in John. One day at a time, trying to discover what it means to live and look like Jesus. Trying to understand what Jesus wanted the church to look and be like. Trying to understand what's black and white and what is okay left gray.

I believe that I have been very wrong in some of my beliefs and I'm excited to be reshaped.

Jesus, please lead and guide me to the truth. Please be my great teacher and use your Spirit inside of me to enlighten me and give me wisdom and knowledge. I want to know what you think about what a Christian is and who the church is. I want to know your theology. Teach me Jesus, teach me your ways and your heart. I love you and I trust you. I have peace even though I am scared and insecure. Help me trust you in this time of uncertainty.

Amen.

This is a song I've been listening to non-stop. Really speaks to my heart right now.

Fee: When Everything Falls Apart

You said
You´d never leave or forsake me
When you said
This life is gonna shake me
You said
This world is gonna bring trouble on my soul
This I know

When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You´re the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
And my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on

When I see
The darkness all around me
When I see
The tragedy has found me
I still believe
Your faithful arms will never let me go
And still I know

When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You´re the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
And my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
You keep holding on
You keep holding on

Sorrow may last for the night
But hope is rising with the sun
Its rising with the sun
There will be storms in this life
But I know You will overcome

When everything falls apart
Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart
You´re the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart
And my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on